The tragic loss of our daughter Vanessa

A statement from her parents

Press release 17 June 2025

It is with deep sadness that we, as the parents of Vanessa*, speak out against the sensationalised portrayal of our daughter’s life and death in a recent article by David Farrier. We are heartbroken by the story that has been shared publicly and deeply disappointed by the way Mr Farrier has weaponised Vanessa's* distress and struggles with complex mental illness.

We now are aware that New Zealand Herald journalist David Fisher is writing an article to amplify this further.

First and foremost, we loved Vanessa*. She was our only child and her death has all but destroyed us.

We acknowledge that there was tension and conflict between Vanessa* and us. We discussed this in detail with Ruth Hill from Radio New Zealand. The challenges in our relationships were painful and it is appalling that the details of the most devastating aspects of our family life is being used by activists to paint us as bad parents.

Children often become very angry with their parents when we have to assert our authority and make decisions we consider to be best for them. We made Vanessa* eat when she did not want to, we took away her access to the internet when she was using it to take part in pro-anorexia forums, we took her to doctors and psychiatrists when she wanted to be left alone with her eating disorder, and yes, we had her hospitalised when she was dangerously ill due to that disorder. She was very angry with us. Doing the right thing by our child was often the very hardest thing.

We object to the portrayal of Vanessa’s* struggles with anorexia, autism, and gender as though they were simply the result of our lack of understanding or ignorance. To be clear, Vanessa* was not “lost” due to her 'gender identity'. Her anorexia, a long-standing and deeply painful struggle, was the cause of her death. She was 30 kilograms when she died. That is what killed her.

Parenting is never easy, but when your child is autistic, has anorexia, and is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, the challenges can feel overwhelming. As parents, we have always done our best, but the complexity of Vanessa’s* needs and the trauma she carried meant we often had to be the 'bad guys' advocating for her best interests when her mental illness was telling her to harm herself.

We urge those who have shared Vanessa’s* story to focus on the real issue: that a 17-year-old died of starvation in the care of the state. It was a systemic failing of our public service, along with her school. They facilitated alienating her from the very people who loved her and put her before all else - her parents. Our experience should sound the alarm about the way parental rights are quickly disregarded by our government and school system. In all but a few sad circumstances, family and parents are best placed to advocate for their children and ensure they get the care they need. We were alienated from our child and then those who drove that alienation left her to die.

We are disgusted that David Farrier and Paul Thistoll have taken it upon themselves to publicly attack us, labelling us as "bad" parents. These two men have no understanding of our family, no insight into the personal struggles we've faced, and most importantly, no connection to Vanessa*. They didn’t know her, and they certainly didn't witness the heartache we endured in trying to support our child. To have our parenting criticised by individuals who were never part of our lives, who never walked in our shoes, and who had no firsthand experience of the complexities of Vanessa's* struggles is not only unjust but deeply malevolent. They have no right to use our grief as a platform to push their own narratives or to vilify us in ways that are frankly cruel.

Mr Farrier and Mr Thistoll are two opportunistic men who are picking over the tragic remains of our daughter's life like vultures.

Our grief is as acute today as it was the day we were told our only child was dead. We will never stop mourning her and wishing her life could have been different. Mr Farrier and Mr Thistoll will have forgotten about her by next week.

Vanessa’s parents

*Vanessa is the name we have chosen for our daughter, to protect our family’s anonymity.

END OF PRESS RELEASE

In response to a query from David Fisher of the NZ Herald, Vanessa’s father wrote:

Dear Mr Fisher,

As an experienced and respected journalist you would surely agree that the response to the RNZ article about our daughter’s death has been entirely misdirected away from the CORE issue. Could you not concede the possibility of misdirection?

Misdirection by attempting to change the focus towards one of a number of subsidiary and complex issues?

The CORE issue clearly stated as a question is,...why did the state fail to sustain her life (and protect her from the obvious consequence of anorexia nervosa) when it was THEY who had complete and total control of where she lived, how she lived, her educational needs, her financial needs and her 'identity' needs?

By 'complete' I mean, she had 'wraparound services' from a long list of State organisations (of which I am sure you are aware). This care was absolute and continual for the last nine months of her life. So, the question of who was 'caring' for our daughter can hardly be disputed. Wouldn't you agree?

On the question of the 'misdirection' this assertion needs to be made. In the last nine months of her life, our daughter’s trans-identity/fixation was affirmed by EVERYONE around her : school teachers, social workers, counsellors, MSD, Presbyterian Support, Salvation Army, housing providers, NZ Police, doctors - EVERYONE. Do YOU see any lack of support for gender affirmation in the last nine months?

Quite simply, "Vanessa" did not die from a lack of gender affirmation, she died from a lack of the most basic care; to simply check that she was eating. CAMHS played this role until discontinuing the Indefinite Compulsory Treatment Order shortly after her 16th birthday. Perhaps reaching 16yrs was the only excuse they needed to 'drop' her? A matter I expect the Coronial Inquiry will investigate. Please excuse any degree of cynicism. We are both trying very hard to maintain our health, our integrity, our positive outlook on people and our willingness to believe in 'the good'.

Would you not consider that publishing some, or indeed all, of "Vanessa’s" online messages is assisting in a cruel distraction, a misdirection, intended only to discredit our viewpoint? Juxtaposing the 'caring' online trans-community against the 'terrible' parents.

Yet, as it became clear that "Vanessa" was dying slowly for weeks in front of her laptop, what did any of her online trans-supporters do about her Anorexia Nervosa/her starving to death? Would you like to investigate this question perhaps?

Do these 'on-liners' have no guilt? Alongside The State, were they not supporting her trans-identity completely, yet macabrely overlooking her slow death.

Whilst we believe discussion and debate (in the proper quarters) for some (not us) would be a 'healthy' outcome over these things, we also believe the publishing and dissemination of our daughter's personal and private material is in very bad taste, unnecessary, low-brow, unethical and wholly cruel to the living. In terms of the Coronial Inquiry, these things may qualify merely as evidence of a supplementary, not CORE, nature.

Undermining the CORE issue, does the Coronial Inquest nor any of us any favours.

Whatever course you take, kindest regards to you.

Vanessa’s father

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